Out to Sea

On my surfboard I'm free
The waves crash
I push through them
On the other side
In a completely different world
New language
New faces
Not a care in the world
I push myself up trying to catch a wave
Staying balanced
I can feel the board moving underneath my feet
I steady it
Somehow, through all of this
Through the weight loss
Cutting
Pain
Hurt
Fear
I feel at home
I am safe
Connected with the ocean
At one with nature
There is no group
No one forcing you to talk
To tell them
To spill the secrets
Just the soothing sounds of the waves crashing upon the shore
The sounds I long to hear
You are safe
They tell me
It is not your fault

Tired.

Sometimes I can feel myself getting tired and wanting to give up. I hate having to be weighed and having to see the numbers pop up on the screen. It's like their mocking me in their own way. Yes today was a good day, yes I have been gaining weight and I'm where I'm supposed to be. But I feel so worn down. They try to tell me You're safe here. No one will hurt you. You're going to be an adult soon, no longer a child. You can make your own choices. Like turning 18 suddenly makes me a man and makes me a fighter and no longer a victim.

New Kid

We got a new kid today and he was assigned to my group. He saw me and immediately wanted to become my friend and asked me what it was like to grow up in the hood. I asked him what it was like to grow up stupid. He tried to punch me but I ducked before he could get a good shot in and shoved him on his ass. Should have had points taken away but nobody saw it. He said "Alright, I got you."

Got what?

Fuck you.

Missing Her.

I'm missing my mom a lot today. Normally I don't really think about her that much because my last interaction with her was less than positive. I keep remembering how she'd be cooking in the kitchen with her hair pulled back and sleeves rolled up. She'd be singing or whistling some song or singing along with the radio. She'd always have it on a Jazz station because she hated rap. Sometimes she'd be trying out a new recipe and ask me to taste it to see if it tasted right, she was a great cook. For a while we didn't have enough for groceries and my dad was trying to make more money driving trucks. She'd go without so me and my sister could eat but I don't know if she noticed me not being able to eat either. Sometimes I'd leave my plate for her in the fridge wrapped up so she'd have food. I was never hungry anyways.

Old

Once upon a time there was a little boy who loved his father and wanted to be just like him. He would follow his father around even when he was in trouble and got punished he would still follow him around.

I miss my dad and I need him so much right now, he never hurt me. People say getting switched and hit is bad, but its not to me. Not to everyone in my neighborhood because thats how we were all raised and how we are all raised. Its not black or white, its where you are from and how your parents were raised and how they learned from their parents.


I see kids on tv who throw fits and break things, scream at their parents and curse at them and the parents go on tv asking what to do with their kids because they don't know what to do. If I ever did anything like that, pow, I'd be down and I wouldn't ever do it again. I'm not mad at him for doing it and I'm not sad because he did it, he had a lot of other things on his mind and he would leave for a few days. He drove trucks and would take jobs all over and then come home at the end of the week come home with stuffed animals for me and my sister.

Went to art therapy again today, more painting and talking. I got to use clay today too, I've never used it before which might sound weird and dumb but my school didn't have any so we never used it. Painting is a lot of fun and a real good way to express myself.

That's it for now.